Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
doing some research
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.