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FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.