since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
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(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.