Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
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Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks