Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
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My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.