Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
You Might Also Like
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Breaking news:
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much