Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
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Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*