waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
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Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
titanic
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.