yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
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Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Its a hippotatomus
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles