Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
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A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
so much to do
Dance like you’re not the father
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.