[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
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[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
The biggest mystery of our time
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.