No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
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[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
The devil.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom