Finally!
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I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.