*pronounces carrot like tarot*
You Might Also Like
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.