Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
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My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood