if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
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[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.