HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
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[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.