Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
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Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.