I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
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guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
saw this in a dream
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard