I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
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statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Good morning y’all ☀️
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
dutch is not a serious language
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.