I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
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*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
bad news gang
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!