If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
lmfao come on
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.