[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
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i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.