5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
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He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
President The Rock Obama
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Am I having a stroke?
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.