[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
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It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?