Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
You Might Also Like
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
is it earth
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
*praying for world peace*
God:
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.