I enjoy a good short stor
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[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?