doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Encore…
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
mathematically impossible
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.