SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
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Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Who says great literature is dead?
Morning.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door