computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
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Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Meme Monday.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.