I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low