Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
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Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”