Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
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Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.