Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
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I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
…..pretty much.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.