THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
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I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”