I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
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What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
When can I start eating bats again.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
are there any atheist mantises?
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa