I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
You Might Also Like
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
This is my brand.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.