Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
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Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Word!
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.