That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
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Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Great game to play with friends
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco