THE AUDACITY. 😤
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If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break