If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
You Might Also Like
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
BaD BoY!!
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
kids play hide and seek like
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”