When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
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Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Room with a view.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.