My new favorite headline
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I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”