me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down