at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
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“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.