*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
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cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
i really liked this one
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl