*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
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Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes