My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
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*adds resume embellisher to resume*
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
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