Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
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What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.