HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
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My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
This rocks
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..